Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Where did you come from

Not that I have much to say, but after reading some stories I feel rather good, randomly happy. Inspirational even, I wana make the best of who i am and help as many as I can regardless of whats happened or happening to me.

Just thoughts.

"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving yourself" - Barbara De Angelis

After finding this quote. I stopped and thought a lot to myself, as usual. I think this maybe one of my problems. To think of it iv never been really good at complimenting myself, for anything. I am a realist. I know im not the best at anything i do. Really the only original thing about me is my thoughts, and even then im sure someone out there is having the same problem. Question, how does someone be proud of themself, love themself and for lack of a better term, wear their heart on their sleeve. Without looking like a total narcissist.

Another quote that hit me:
"The image of myself which I try to create in my own mind in order that I may love myself is very different from the image which I try to create in the minds of others in order that they may love me" - W.H.Auden

And its true. But im finding it hard to know what i need to do, to love myself and then be happy where i am and what im doing.

Monday, 2 January 2012

Growth through fustration

Its been a while since I last wrote something. And my life has taken many turns since. Iv moved across the country and worked some pretty rough jobs. Had my heart broken and moved home at word of the military accepting me. I start basic in Feb. But this isnt about my life or the reason i am writing again.

To me growth is experiencing and learning through the good times and bad.

Right now is a time of fustration. Being put aside like i have by everyone else. I cant pretend i am a saint. OR i dont do anything wrong.. But i gotta deserve better then this. This is just wrong. I know i have commitment problems. Because of reasons like im feeeling now. Yet again someone i care about assumed i have no feelings for them and set me aside for someone who has already hurt them. And now wont even take the time to replying to me because they are to 'busy'. But i always seem to be able to make time for them regardless of what im doing or where i am to help them. When shit hits the fan, Im the one fixing their problems. Making it all better. To be told how great I am, to watch them leave again.

I dont know, :/ . I guess im just sour with people. I always give people a chance, regardless of what i hear.

I just dont feel like i fit in anywhere. Havent found my place. And i keep moving and trying new things. But im really happy with the good friends I have. We might not talk EVERY SECOND. But i know who is there for me when i really need someone to talk too. Some are across the country. And Ill always be grateful for them being good friends. Ryan and Bri. Clarke is my friend close by. We have been through alot together, all the way back to grade 2. I am 19 and we are currently joining the military together. Its like a dream both of us going together.

I just dont know what to do at this point. I know to focus on me, my life. Where im going. But you know. I still feel empty.. I am just at a lost of words. Raw emotion just seems to be eating at me. And i got nothing I can do about it. I really hope i find an answer soon. I am wearing down. And slowly being ripped emotionally. But as one of the people i look up to said. Its better to burn out then fade away.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

What the hell.

Something for me, doesn't bug me if others read. But that is not the intent of me writing. I know everyone has their own problems, but mine seem to give me ridiculous internal struggles that I need to find a way to get over. I use to have a hard time making decisions. Like even going out to eat fast food, sometimes i wouldn't eat because I couldn't choose what i wanted. Yes it was that bad -.- With some work, I got over that, was good. My newest problem I seem to have is over analyzing even the smallest situations with people and everything else. I know its stopped me from being in a 'relationship' a few times. Always think more of the downsides down the road. All that anger, arguing and fighting. I almost think its unneeded. Keeping people as good friends so you get the plus of not being alone and you don't have to worry about sticky boring situations later down the road. Makes sense to me right now. Even though its not the best way to see it. I need to find a way to become more carefree. Stop taking life and people so seriously and to the heart. Everything seems to be a learning experience in one way or another. And avoiding all the hard ones seems easy as of right now but I also cant help but wonder how much I would learn about myself and others by taking those chances. 

Maybe writing this blog is the first step to insanity, but as long as its a fun ride.. Who cares right? X.X